I recall one time when I was in my thirties, I dropped my hearing aid on the hard floor and stomped my feet and said oh noooo in a pouty way. Please understand, hearing aids don’t respond well to impact with a hard surface. Thankfully, the hearing aid was ok and didn’t need repair…
The comment from my then husband opened a wound from long ago. He said, “Sometimes you act like a three year old.” I realized it was truth.
That same night I started having what would become a recurring nightmare.
The sleeping me saw a huge face.
A HUGE FACE!!
A HUGE MAN”S FACE
A HUGE BIG FAT UGLY MAN’S FACE
It was terrifying! It was progressive and progressively terrifying.
I realized that God was trying to show me something important, so I asked, “God why is this so important?” I didn’t get an immediate answer so I asked a new question. “Who is that Lord?” I immediately was given a name. No need to repeat the name here, but it was not a name that was familiar to me at that time. I began praying for “Revelation Knowledge” about this person.
I continued to have the dream for some time but it wasn’t as scary as it had been at first. I was mostly curious, but then the curiosity turned to anger. I was mad enough to want to hurt that “Big Fat Ugly Man”
At some point, I was visiting my Mammy when in the conversation, she mentioned a man who had died with the same name God had given me. I said who is that and how would I know him. She went on to explain the family had been neighbors when I was just a tiny girl. The age of the man who died seemed too old to be my “BFU, (BIG FAT UGLY), so I asked if he had a son by the same name. He did, but the son was called by a nickname. When she said the nickname, I immediately recognized it. I now knew who the BFUM was.
But what good was the information when I didn’t know why God was giving it to me? The dream was almost nightly and the terror returned. Fear became my constant companion until one day I grabbed a cart and walked through the door of the local grocery store. As I walked down the produce aisle I looked at the man ahead of me and became furious! There he was in the living stinking dirty flesh. I wanted to ram him with my cart. I gripped the cart handle and started forward but God in his mercy stopped me. I let the cart where it was and fled the store.
For weeks I had been fighting aginst something that was unknown to me but suddenly it was there in front of me and I knew I had to acknowledge it and allow the Holy Spirit to heal me. I got home from the store and lay down on my bed sobbing I told The Lord I was ready to deal with it and forgive. I just couldn’t fight the memory any longer.
We lived in a cabin by the river. Between us and the neighbor was a hunting cabin that had Lady Bugs painted on it. We called it the cootie cabin. It was mostly vacant in the off season so my older Aunts would meet the neighbor kids there to play. I was 3 years old. My Aunts were probably 7 and 10 or close to those ages. The one who came to be known as the BIG FAT UGLY MAN was most likely in his late teens or early twenties.
There is no need to elaborate with details. As I lay there on my bed, I allowed the memories to unfold. I saw very clearly what was happening. I so wanted to save that child from the horror that was happening to her. It was as if I became her.
I was her! Jesus where were YOU??????
Lying on my bed, yet lying on a rock with BFUM hovering over me I was compelled to look to my left. Jesus! I saw Him! He was there all the time! Why oh why didn’t you stop it? Why oh why have I had to carry this with me so deep in my spirit? Why God? Why?
No answer. Silence. BFUM throwing up in the weeds. On my bed, I feel comfort surrounding me like a cloak. I know it’s the arms of my Saviour! In the vision Jesus sweeps me up in His arms and wipes my face with His beard, dries my tears with His hair. I lay like that for a long time, just resting in His love and Presence.
The next day, I was in my car at a stop sign. BFUM passed by me. I pulled out behind him. I forgave him in that instant. When the passing lane opened I passed him with a wave and a smile. I was free!
Over the next few weeks, I would remember other molesters, other incidents, but it wasn’t as difficult. I was able to remember, forgive, and let it go…